how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's official drugs can't kill me
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
