The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Randomize
