what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
