Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
