speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
