the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
