Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
