you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
