Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
