If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The beer is more important than you right now.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
