Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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