I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
