dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Even my vagina gasped.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Randomize
