I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
