Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
do herpes really smell.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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