I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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