How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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