it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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