After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
