Can i not drive my cunt home
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
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