you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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