I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
