As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
