So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
