Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
you made out with another girl for some wings
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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