my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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