you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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