walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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