I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
this hospital has no fireball
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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