Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
