20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
