the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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