Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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