I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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