It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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