Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I think your dad took our porno
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
