i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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