Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Randomize
