...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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