i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My Sexting was not on an AP level
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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