How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
