I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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