Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
