The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
