Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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