It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
