My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
