So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
