hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
