Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
