his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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