I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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