I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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