I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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