I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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