no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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