seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize