My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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