It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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