Where did you get a picture of my penis
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
