last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
